It’s become so close, so secluded.  Don’t mind the latter, but the crowding of life into a few modestly sized rooms is claustrophobic. Turn left for the work desk, right for the stereo, straight ahead to the canteen. I started distance therapy (providing, though I have a receiving session zoom scheduled). Two screens connected by electricity and radiation of some kind. I put on headphones and stare at the glass, straining to read signs that have suddenly changed font and size, listening to tones that are familiar yet different, noticing intrusive wonderings. What room of this person’s dwelling are we in? It is a surprise to realise that for all the detailed descriptions of lives and feelings, we never talk about wallpaper. About furniture. About working from bed. Have they gone silent or is it a screen freeze? What am I missing? Anxiety ripples like a chill breeze. A friend wrote that he’s teaching his eldest to cook, just in case Mum and Dad get ill. Jeez, we’d be in trouble, I think. Then realise the boy has done a couple of terms of Food Technology and has more in his repertoire than Dad. More skill. The son should surpass the father, as the sun outshines the moon. The moon, the big full Easter moon. How do people cling to medieval belief systems in a time like this? A desperate bulwark against despair, against futility, against vulnerability. I had a meltdown yesterday; yelled at the builder. He didn’t deserve it and the shame was intense. I want to buy him wine or beer or something to ease my discomfort. Water under the bridge, he says. But I need to say a tangible sorry and decide I’ll go out early tomorrow to the liquor supermarket. The house is still now… my son coughs  in his bedroom. Our street is still, infrequent cars startle as midnight approaches. The city is brooding, compliant but edgy. A teenaged girl was fined by police while doing practice driving with her mum. You are too far from home, they said. Too far from home. I go outside and commune with the moon before bed.

8 thoughts on “COVIDEO #1

  1. I have to admit to a guilty contentment with it. I can be quite gregarious, of course, and I enjoy that, but I’m very good with my own company as well. I need to load a bucketload of caveats on that for the current crisis: I’m OK for money, I have a lovely big house with a garden, and a bush reserve next door; I’m well connected to the world; I am never at a shortage of things to do; my partner is a wonderful person and we’re happy to spend all our time together. I fully realise that not many people are as lucky as that. I miss some things a great deal: our weekly trip into town for coffee at Mario’s; our almost-weekly drives out into the country for walks; having people over for drinks; concerts; gallery visits. But in the greater scheme of things, I can easily adopt a mindset of treading water for a few months. What seriously worries me is that it might be more than a few months. Already we’re seeing evidence from Singapore and Japan that complacency can undo all the good work in a matter of days. So we need that vaccine fast, or we need widespread testing fast (in order to be more accurate with quarantine). I can personally probably handle a year of it, but I think I might be a huge outlier in that respect.

    For me there is also the shadow of fear. I’m in the highest risk group of all, and keenly aware that the next two years or so are going to be fraught with a low-level anxiety.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, PM, I’m observing to my two that we are extraordinarily lucky in almost everything except perhaps my lungs. 😟
      And like you I’m looking forward to being bored — might take a few months.
      But there is that shadow, as you say. Thank Bacchus for wine. 🍷


  2. A procrastinator’s nightmare: stuck inside, leered at by tedious chores and rusty to-do lists, nagged at by books unread and and unwritten. Not to worry, I’m good at this, had lots of practice.
    Sadly though, my back is playing up from too much sitting, especially from two health and safety committee tele-conferences.
    Hoping your building and builders go well and that you and yours go well, in your Shell.


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